Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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