Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
