Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
