I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
