talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
