I think i peed on brittanys purse
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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