Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
