A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
