I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
