at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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