I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
