genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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