I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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