What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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