Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
