this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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