Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
