I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
