I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
