If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
