I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My feet surprised me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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