so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want to fling myself into the sun
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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