the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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