If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
