Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
