The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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