I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
