Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
