i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
