I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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