How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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