guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
