Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
