He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
