Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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