i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sober January is a disaster.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
