video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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