ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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