Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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