Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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