I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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