I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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