best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
