dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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