my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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