i think my tv is drunk
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
