I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
