I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
