I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
