I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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